Nothing Else Matters

I am back!

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 05:56:00 +0000

Its been almost 6 months since I blogged. If I had waited for another 3 months I would have had a baby blog but since the blog population is increasing exponentially I decided to blog and not add to the ever-growing blogs. I dont mind the increase in blogs but i dont wanna see B grade celebs telling you to stop it like they do in the family planning ads.

Its a custom in blogosphere that if a blogger does not post anything for a while he comes back and offers an apology to all his readers who were waiting with bated breaths. But I dont have any such misconceptions, I know none of my blog readers(3 in total including me and my alter ego) were waiting for my post.

I think it’s my moral responsibility to explain my absence from the blogosphere for so long. And keeping the tradition (of exercising your brain) alive of this blog, I give you two choices. Choose the correct option and win nothing because Nothing else matters :P

a) I was busy with stuff and am a Scorpio so I wont tell you what stuff.

b) I was celebrating the completion of one year of blogging with a 7-month break. I had gone to Paris where I threw a big bash and all the who’s who of the world were invited. But it got a little rough when Madonna offered to adopt Kim Jong Il.

A lot has happened in the last 6 months and I dint blog about them so lets just go through them very quickly.

Britney went commando and later went bald.

Shamita shetty after flashing you-know-what has decided to go bald (Sam thanks for this info)
Anna Nicole Smith dies, May her soul and boobs rest in peace.
Ganguly back in the team, yay!!!! wooohooooo Now who’s showing the finger Mr. Chappel.

The new dress for the Indian cricket team was realesed and frankly it SUCKS!!!
At the New Year party Al gore said "One less year before everyone dies of global warming "
Saddam was hanged but the US army is still searching for the weapons of mass destruction.
Kim Jong Il stunned the world by carrying out nuclear tests. The whole world was left breathless because he is not an ally of the US. In his defence he said that he did this to prove that he was not a baby.
Madonna thought the nuclear test was a childish act and wanted to adopt Kim jong Il as soon as possible.

My Bro got married in Jan so yay!!! Wishing you and bhabhi a lifetime of happiness!!!

I wanna congratulate four of my best friends for achieving various things in life and getting closer to their main goals in life
Ahsan for getting the visa.
Sam for life after the ethnic day.
Jaya for topping the university and getting a new better paying job in a big MNC.
And Jokul for scoring 99.89% in CAT....are you kidding me bro??

Will be posting more often now so keep coming back!!!

One year of Nonsense!

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Thu, 31 Aug 2006 17:13:00 +0000

Its been a year since I decided to make my madness public. First it was just limited to my close friends but after being inspired and months of persuading by Sameera, I did what some people call the biggest mistake of my life.

I have written 28 posts and have got 428 comments and 4128 hits, people have been very kind and generous. People have been also very kind while commenting. I have seen all types of comments from the simple "LMAO" to the "I hate you" and the very complex "Do you need some action? You will love this site"

People often called my sense of humour fantastic. Some even went to the extent of saying that you are my favourite blogger(I think they need help). I have been humbled by all your comments and love. Hoping that this love and more importantly the comments will continue to flow. I want to say Thanks a lot to each and everyone of you who have commented and read my blog.

Five most admired posts of mine are
1) Year 2020
2) Orkut
3) Myhts & Facts
4) NIP IV
5) Matrimonials & Movies

Some posts that are not on the list and are my favs
1) One Flu over the Cuckoo's nest
2) My school
3) Its a Miracle

This post is dedicated to Sameera. No we are not seeing each other. We are not seeing anyone else also, so please contact us. For Sameera's requirement please read this and for mine..well baby they are none as long as you are hot and single(females only).

T(y)ag!

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Sat, 26 Aug 2006 13:05:00 +0000

A short and sweet tag.

I am thinking about you my sweetheart :-*

I said "eh?"

I want world peace...Oh this is not a beauty pageant hmm so I want a million things...I can have a seperate blog just for that.

I wish you a merry christmans and a happy new year!

I hear what I wanna hear..i have that syndrome what do u call it I-dont-give-a-shit-to-what-the-world-says.

I wonder what saddistic pleasures did they get by doing this. It was ma fav!

I regret saying I love you!

I can’t lie.

I am Bond..James Bond

I dance with my clothes off in the bathroom.

I sing when I have to irritate people.

I need a plastic surgery

I cry when I am help upside down and spanked on my lil butts

I make love, i hope.

I write crap!

I confuse between right and wrong.

I miss catches?

I will never miss catches.

I should try and hold onto those catches.

I tag all of you! :P

Matrimonials & Movies

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Sun, 20 Aug 2006 17:33:00 +0000

It is not a secret that internet is changing the world. It is also changing how people want their prospective spouses to be and sites like Orkut and blogger are just helping the cause.

Below is as to how an orkut addict will post an ad in the matrimonial section.

Looking for a female of about 22 years who has a photo in the profile and has 2000 scraps. She should also have atleast 20 fans and 10 testimonials. She should be a member of "I Hate Ekta" community.

A Blogger addict.

Looking for a female who maintains atleast 3 blogs and should also update them regularly. She should have 20 comments for each post.

After the small "incident" the Black Eyed Peas have decided to change their name to Black Eyed Pees

I am so broke that am getting mails which are giving me pre approved loans :D. When I opened it to see how much I got I was a bit surprised to see that they wanted a particular part of mine to grow, I started wondering what were they asking as a collateral.

Now moving to movies.

Darwaaza Bandh Rakho
I would like to give some advice to the actors of this movie So here it is
Aftab Shivdasani : Dude you are spoiling my name!!!
Chunky Pandey : I know you are a super star in Nepal and I think you shouldnt come back to bollywood.
Isha Sherwani : How U Doin ;)

After the success of I Know What U Did Last Summer the producers made I Still Know What You Did Last Summer and after it also did reasonably well on the box office they made I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer Now this was a big flop and the producers are now planning to make Why did I know what you did last summer

Anothony Kaun Hai
The trailers fooled most of us into believing that Sanjay Dutt is the Hero of the movie but actually it is Arshad Warsi's movie and Sanju baba is there only for some 15 minutes. The movie in itself was dumb. It showed that pigeons are being used for robbery. After seeing it I came up with my own proverb "If Pigeons were thieves..."
All though the movie doesnt answer Anthony Kaun hai it surely answers Pagal kaun hai....The crowd that went to see it( including me :( ).

Now coming to Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna
Amitabh is shown screwing almost all the call girls of NY but when he finds out that his daughter in law(Rani) is cheating on his Son(AB Jr.) he gets a massive heart attack. Dude get a life or yes a heart attack.

SRK is a professional footballer...yes yes in US they do play Football...if you dont believe me you can go and watch the movie. As expected SRK meets with an accident and becomes handicapped for life or shall I say legicapped (sorry couldnt resist).

Rani doesnt wanna sleep with AB Jr because she doesnt love him....One second arent they married? yes they are.. so WHY THE FUCK did she get married if she didnt love him Sucks!

Preity, coming to think of it she doesnt have that big a role in it. So she just looked pretty and was made available whenever SRK wanted to have a fight.

Now coming to AB Jr..boy what do I tell about him...hmmmm He was just AWESOME...I believe he over shadowed AB and SRK. Frankly speaking SRK was pretty much under his own shadow so AB Jr didnt have to work too hard. This movie justifies why I hate SRK.
So to sum up the movie in two words "It SUCKS"

P.S: If you are an AB Jr. Fan then I would advice you to get the CD/VCD/DVD and watch only the parts in which he is there.

P.S Jr. : How many of you think that the BEP pic is gross?

N.I.P V

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Wed, 26 Jul 2006 06:20:00 +0000

Paris Hilton has decided to give up sex for one year. I am not kidding. See it for yourself. Soon after this a crowd of 365 men gathered at her house and were seen burning her effigy.

Krishh was released and has been declared a SuperHit. Outside the theatre Superman, Batman and Phantom were protesting cause they say a super hero should show his undy.

Everyone has been wondering as to what Marco Materazzi told to Zinedine Zidane. Well people stop wondering I just now got off the line was speaking to Zindane and apparently Materazzi told him "Ey Takle"(You Bald Motherfucker). Pardon my translation.

Mumbai police found one bomb in a train which didnot go off. On it was written "Property of Pakistan". However Pakistan has denied any connection with the bombings.

Blogspot was banned for about 4 days. Its still not clear whose fault it was. DoT is blaming the ISPs and the ISPs are blaming someone, but we dont know who they are blaming cause who cares about them.

They are reports that DoT is going to block telephone lines also cause they think SIMI is using it.

Was in Chennai last month and noticed this particular thing about the owner of an udipi restaurant. The guy used to wear a lungi, a piece of cloth wrapped tightly around the waist. So every time a customer entered the hotel he used to pull his lungi up to reveal his perfectly tanned hairy legs. I ran out as soon as a group of 10 guys came in. I wonder what he might have done.

Orkut

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Tue, 04 Jul 2006 15:05:00 +0000

Orkut has become very popular and even the celebs are using it. Although it is very difficult to find their profile, I have done the impossible.

Let us look at the profiles of some celebrities.

Scraps
Gabbar : Yeah donut mujhe dede orkuttttt!!!

Vajpayee to Advani : You dont scrap me..yeh achi baat nahi hai.

Ceaser : Et tu, Orkut?

Some important points to note from the profiles.

Profiles
SRK's profile
Interested in: dating (men)
Sexual orientation: gay

Manmohan's profile
Political view: very left-liberal

Sonia'a profile
Political view: very authoritarain

Laloo's
High school: International schoolwa of bihar
Industry: Fodder
Job description: To make dumb statements infront of 300 ppl

Pamela's
First thing you will notice about me: CENSORED

Xyz(Man serving a 25 yr sentence for killing his gf)
From my past relationships i learned: Not to kill

Rakhi Saawant
Ideal match: Mika

Adnan Sami
Build: a few extra pounds

Some Fans
Osama's Fans include Bush and Blair
Bush's list has one big name missing oh no no Mr. Blair is there in the licking your ass section

Some Communities and members
I love oil: Bush, Natwar Singh
I like to sell nuclear missiles: Musharraf
101 ways to ignite a riot: Narendra Modi
Gays in Mumbai: SRK, Manish Malhotra
How to kiss: Mika

Some Fortunes
For me on the day I was rejected the US visa: You will travel wide and far for both pleasure and business.
For Hitler: You have a friendly heart and are well admired.
For Prince MukkaramJah: You and your wife will be happy in your life together
(He has been married 5 times)
For Osama: You are sociable and entertaining (Hell Yeah)
For Tushar Kapoor: You are very expressive and positive in words, act and feeling. (Yeah =)) )
For Sir Elton John: Behind an able man, there are always other able men.

And finally, as always, some sane advice. A lot of people have been complaining that they have been addicted to orkut but they cant find a way out. Follow anyone of these steps and nirvana(literally in some cases) is guaranteed.

Ways to quit orkutting
Commit an offence and get arrested (dont buy your way to freedom). I heard jails dont have net.
Start asking for "Friendships" people will automatically start ignoring you.
Kill yourself (And in the suicide note dont mention my name :) ).
Start dating someone. If you are a female who is about 22 years then that someone is ME.
Pick up a fight with me. (pakka nirvana then)

P.S : Sorry for not blogging for over a month was busy with a few things. And incase you would like know more about me than this stupid blog then click here and add me :D

Year 2020

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Sun, 28 May 2006 15:03:00 +0000

This is how the news will look in the year 2020.

Sonia Gandhi was shot to death by her guards. The guards were supporters of CPI, the party that Sonia Gandhi had wiped out in an operation called Red Star.

The elections were conducted and Congress(I) lead by Rahul Gandhi won. Critics say that they won cause of the sympathy wave.

Prez Musharraf has promised the world that Pakistan will become a democratic country very soon.

Prez Musharaf today called up Rahul Gandhi and said that yesterday's suicide attack which was carried out by the son of Musharraf, that killed 2 tourists(both Pakistanis) had nothing to do with Pakistan or the ISI.

The Union Minister Of India Mr X has announced a 50% reservation for the BCWR(backward Class Without Reservation). If this is implemented then they will b only 1% seats left for the open category...No one is protesting this time cause already all the open quota people had left India.

The Strip bar owners in Bombay came out on the streets after the govt. banned them. Insiders say this was done because the CM's son was denied entry. He is just 12 years old.

Israeli forces are still in the process of pulling out from the Gaza. This was started in the year 2006.

PM Rahul Gandhi said that Freedom of speech is a basic right of any citizen.

Two journalists were burnt to death for writing an article about the Sonia Gandhi.

In sports news

The Master Blaster Dhoni is being told to retire by his critics.

Meanwhile Ganguly is still optimistic about his return to the squad.

Sania Mirza who had won the Jr. Wimbeledon in the year 2001 has been given elected from Hyderabad as a MP for the second time.

In Entertainment

ShahRukh Khan has finally married his long time boyfriend Manish Malhotra after India had legalized Gay marriages.

Ekta Kapoor's famous tele serial Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi has gone 20 years ahead for the 20th time.

Aamir Khan's next release "Jharnaa" is being released in only 2 states in India. Various Political parties are protesting after he had supported various andolans across the country.

P.S : I have started a "wisebox" on the right side...I will try and change the lines almost everyday...It will have quotes by my friends and me which wont make sense.The title "My wisebox- a box of vice, fulla spice.." was Jaya's idea. Kudos to her.

Myths & Facts!!

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Fri, 12 May 2006 19:10:00 +0000

Aftab aka Gulam Hasan comes again to the rescue of the common people. There are a lot of myths about famous people. I will give the facts about 10 famous people in this post.

Sachin
Myth : He is a man with a squeaky voice.
Fact : He was born a girl but because he wasnt beautiful his parents decided to make him under go a sex change operation. This also explains why he keeps touching there. He just wants to make sure that it doesnt fall off.

Aishwarya Rai
Myth : She is a superstar.
Fact : She never gave a hit. The only hit she gave was the Coke ad where she tries to whistle.

Shane Warne
Myth : He is a great spinner.
Fact : The only reason he gets wickets is cause he threatens the batsmen by telling that he will sleep with their wives if they score more than 1 run.

Manmohan Singh
Myth : He doesnot have a say in the govt.
Fact : Are you kidding me?...The opening lines where he greets the gathering are writen by him only. I can prove if you want.

Bill Gates
Fact : He is rich.
Myth : Now seriosuly if you looked like him and had soooo much money wouldnt you have undergone a surgery to look better.

Srk
Myth : He is straight.
Fact : A guy takes bath in a tub filled with rose petals and you call him striaght. He is as gay as Sir Elton John.

Bush
Myth : He looks like a Chimp.
Fact : Its not a MYTH. Its a fact DAMNIT.

Osama
Myth : He is in Pakistan.
Fact : He is in the White House. He is the head of security there.

Aftab
Myth : He is good for nothing.
Fact : Trust me people he is destined for big things. Just believe in him and NOTHING ELSE MATTERS

NIP IV Version 2.0

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Wed, 03 May 2006 18:03:00 +0000

I wanted to write a blog on "10 ways of getting laid" but then Jaya told me that it would be a little inappropriate so I am back to Nothing In Particular series and this is Part Four.

These days every Ravi, Sameera and Rashmi Bansal are writing about Opal Mehta So why should I be left out. I havent read the book but whatever I have read about it I think i know why it has been removed from the shelves.

They are 2 point of views about this book. Let us first see the Indian point of view which is being voiced by the Moral police.
They say that how can an Indian Kiss before marriage and therefore threatened Kaavya Vishwanathan's life. Although they said that they will keep quiet if she kisses one of there chiefs but Kaavya rejected this offer and pulled her book out from the market.

Now for the American point of view.
Every single American is pissed casue they cant understand how a girl got kissed but not laid. They also threatened Kaavya Vishwanathan's life. They too had one more offer but I think you people know what I am talking about and therefore I wont write it down. Kaavya also rejected this offer. She is one brave girl.

There is also a third point of view but its represented by a very small group and they speak about plaigarism, A word i cant comprehend. Can Anyone explain to me what it means?

Megan McCafferty, from whom Kaavya has admitted of "unconscious copying", was infuriated and said that "Atleast my characters get laid but still my book was never a best seller hmmppff"

Aamir Khan was in the news for supporting Medha Patkar and the Narmada Bachao Andolan. When asked as to why he went he replied "I thought Narmada was a lady in distress and calling out for help you kn like Narmada: Bachaoooo hehehe ok u dont find it funny. So I being the biggest hero in bollywood did what we heroes usually do."

Updated on May 3rd
Sameera mailed me the forward that is very common these days. It has a set of 5 questions that the fairer-sex asks us guys which we usually answer incorrectly and also it showed how to answer them "correctly". Well I dont know whether those are correct or incorrect but this is how I think it will be answered by different men of different countries. I chose only 3 countires cause I only know 3 countries.

So this is my version.

1 - "What are you thinking?"
Indian : Terku kya karna hai apna kaam kar(Why the hell are u bothered, do ur wrk?)
American : Should I ask my secretary to sleep with me
Japenese : The technology that I developed is getting out of date. I shd do something abt it soon.

2 - "Do you love me?"
Indian : Kalmoohi yeh kis tarah ka sawal karrahi hai(You afro-american face,wat type of a question is this?).
American : I am married to so stfu!
Japs : I love Toyota.

3 - "Do I look fat?"
Indian : haan mooti (Yes Fatso).
American : I heard the neighbourhood kids have a joke on you startin w the words " yo momma so fat".
Japs : Its an era of slim things nothing is fat in our country.

4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
Indian : Tune itni angreezi kahan sikhi hai(Where did u learn to speak such good english)
American : Of course, Luk @ those boobs.
Japs : You know I asked the same question to Asimo(some dumb robot) today.

5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Indian : Maika ku jaake maar yaahan mari tho zinda gaad donga (Go and die in your mom's place).
American : WAT??? I neva knew praying was so effective .
Japs : I will dedicate the next chip i design to you.

Love,
Gulam Hasan aka Aftab.

I Bet you cant read the whole post

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Mon, 03 Apr 2006 15:45:00 +0000

Gokul has tagged me again :D. This is a looong one so I will get straight at it.

1. Were you named after anyone?
Yes after my grandfather..who now, I think, must be cursing from the heavens above for spoiling his name.

2. Do you wish on stars?
No, I swear on them.

3. When did you last cry?
Dont rememeber. I rarely cry.

4. Do you like your handwriting?
Yes. People say doctors have the worst handwritting....Am the best doctor in this world filled with people who have good handwriting.

5. What is your favourite meat?
Mutton :D

6. What is your most embarrassing CD on your shelf?
Wat shelf? oh u mean tht thing covered with clothes n papers?

7. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you?
YEAH!!!

8. Are you a daredevil?
YES...Once I saw a documentary on bunjee jumping.

9. How do you release anger?
By kicking some ass.

10. Where is your second home?
Ahsan's place.

11. Do you trust others easily?
Nope...I only trust God.

12. What was your favourite toy(s) as a child?
Cars, I had them in all sizes and shapes.

13. What class in school/college do you think is totally useless?
ALL /ALL.

14. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
No I hate it.

15. Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
Nope I was considered to moshy to be put in a mosh pit.

16. What do you look for in a girl?
Sensibility.

17. Would you bungee jump?
Yes..With my clothes off.

18. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Always...(What a stupid question to ask?).

19. What's your favourite ice cream?
Vanilla with Chocolate sauce. Also called as Choco Delight in places where it is charged Rs 150 and "do vanilla scoop ke uppar chocolate sauce dal ke dey saab ku" in places where it is just Rs 25.

20. What are your favourite colours?
Black & Blue(Now the whole world loves me).

21. What are your least favourite things?
Bugs, both in the real world and in the virtual world as well..

22. How many people do you have a crush on right now?
NONE.

23. Who do you miss most right now?
I have all the people I need around me...Thank you Almighty God.

24. What are you listening to right now?
Nothing :(

25. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
Black.

26. What is the weather like right now?
Fucking Hot.

27. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Raja Lingampalli who was looking for Rani Lingipalli.

28. The "first" thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Eyes, features, everything.

29. Do you like the person who sent you this?
Yo :-)

30. How are you today?
Fine.

31. Favourite non alcoholic drink?
Mango Milkshake made by my mom.

32. Favourite alcoholic drink?
I dont drink :)

33. Natural hair colour?
Black.

34. Eye colour?
Black.

35. Wear contacts?
Nope.

36. Siblings?
Yes a bossy elder bro. I lou u babap.

37. Favourite month?
Yet to be discovered.

38. Favourite food?
Hyderabadii.

39. Favourite day of the year?
World Favourite day.

40. Have you ever been too shy to ask someone out?
Yea am the shy guy..so all you gals ask me out :D My number is....

41. Scary movies or happy endings?
Anything that makes sense..so that excludes all the big budget films with shahrukh khan..

42. Summer or winter?
Winter with the special one;)

43. Holi or Diwali?
April Fools Day.

44. Do you like your name?
Ya I love it..I even wrote a letter to the prime minister asking him to make my name the national name you know something like the national song :D

45. What book/magazine are you reading?
None. Left two great books in the middle ..Dont feel like reading this year.

46. What's on your mouse pad?
I dont have one. I am poor. Please sms A-F-T-A-B to 911. For every sms send the cellular company has promised to pay me one dollar.

47. What did you watch on TV last night?
News i think. Dont watch TV that much.

48. Favourite Smell?
I have this plant @ my place, love its smell and of course the smell of wet mud.

49. Have you ever regretted breaking up with someone?
Yes, Can we get back together sush?

50. Most tiresome thing you’ve ever experienced/done?
;) Thats personal.

Phew!!!That was tiring.

The End.

N.i.P III

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Sat, 25 Mar 2006 21:42:00 +0000

In the last post I made a promise that I will blog every week so to all my readers I offer my apologies. To make up I am going to sing and dance in Taj Krishna on Monday, all my readers will get a 50% discount. Considering the size of my belly I might also do belly dance (keep your fingers crossed).

Yes this is NIP 3.

I wonder how many posts will be there on NIP.

The main reasons that I couldn’t blog are listed below.
Almost all the reasons are correct to the best of my and my 3 yr old nephew’s knowledge.
1) I was dating a really hot and rich chick who took up all my time.
2) I was busy with my job.
3) I was giving advice to a million people on how to become rich and successful.
4) I had gone on a world tour.
5) I had so many ideas that I couldn’t figure out which one to post first.
6) Although I don’t believe this played an important role in me not being able to blog but I think I should mention it: I had no ideas.

So, moving onto sports.

The Commonwealth games are going on.
And India is on fourth place. Before you get all happy and proud you might want know that the countries below India in the standings have names which the winners of spelling bee contest also couldn’t spell. The biggest surprise came when Kunjarani won the ladies heavyweight lifting gold. The surprise was not that she won gold but that she was a lady!!

I heard the closing ceremony is going to be awesome. We already know that Ashwariya Rai is going to perform in it. But what we don’t know is that the The Majesty Queen Elizabeth herself is also going to give company Ash on the stage. Both of them will be seen dancing on the hit number from Devdas “mein roop ki rani, tu badzoorti ki rani”(“I am the queen of beauty and you the queen of ugliness”). In the starting the Queen had some reservations against showing her legs and cleavage but after the pressure from Salman Khan she gave in. Apparently Salman threatened to run over Prince Williams (The only good looking guy in the family).

Since we are on the topic of the Royal Family let us discuss their biggest asset.
You might think wealth but no, these days every Tom, Dick and Harry except me has it.
The biggest asset of the royal family is their ugliness. Scientists are carrying out experiments to see how they outdo themselves generation after generation. They even tried mating a chimp and a really ugly animal whose name I cannot remember but the result was not even close to the royal family. In olden (when there was no net) days, the British army used to carry the photos of the royal family to scare away enemies. This is how they conquered most of the earth. However, they faced stiff resistance from the tribes from the forests of central Africa. But they also surrendered after the British army erected giant statues of the first family.

A little birdy(without the avian flu) told me that the Queen is thinking of adopting President Bush and most of the Tamil actors considering their similarity in looks with her family.

Now moving to cricket. Man do these English players have hot wives or what!!!

Take care people,

Gulam Hasan aka Aftab.

One Flu over the Cuckoo's Nest

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Sat, 18 Feb 2006 15:28:00 +0000

Do not be confused with the 1975 classic One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. Am not doing a review on it. I havent even seen that movie yet.

So the news says the bid flu has arrived to India. All the news channels will be now speaking to poultry farm owners who will be just happy to come on national TV. No one will focus on what to do in these troubled times. So, I have come forward to help the fellow Indians.

Things to do and the things not to do

Dont Speak to any birds.
Dont Speak to any birds even if the bird says it is fine.
Dont offer help to any unknown birds.
Dont accept any sweets from birds.
And run as far as you can if the bird goes "Cuckadachooo".

A set of common questions that are answered by me are given below. Remember just believe in me and Nothing Else Matters

Q) What is avian influenza (bird flu)?
A) A bird which is no longer capable of flying is known as Bird Flu.

Q) How does avian influenza spread among birds?
A) When to birds of opposite sex indulge in an act of making love it results in the spreading of bird flu.

Q) Do avian influenza viruses infect humans?
A) Yes, they do. Do you think I am writing this post for birds you Idiot.

Q) How do people become infected with avian influenza viruses?
A) Its a very complicated process.

Q) How complicated?
A) VERY

Q) What are the symptoms of avian influenza in humans?
A) When you start giving eggs you should know that you have been infected by avian influenza.

Q) How is avian influenza detected in humans?
A) Where you sleeping when I answered the last question!!!!

Q) What are the implications of avian influenza to human health?
A) Depends on what kind of human are you.
For example if you are software professional it wouldnt make much of a difference because you already have the habit of getting up early. The slight difference would be that you will make everyone around you to get up early also. This could however lead to drastic consequences which may even lead to your death.
And if you are a non-vegetarian or an egg eating vegetarian then you will have a huge supply of eggs.

Q) How is avian influenza in humans treated?
A) The person who is infected is stoned to death for waking up others.

Q) Does the current seasonal influenza vaccine protect me from avian influenza?
A) No, Though condoms have been found useful there is no major proof.

Q) Should I wear a surgical mask to prevent exposure to avian influenza?
A) Yes, if you look like Rajnikant or me then it is advisable to wear surgical masks.

Q) Is there a risk for becoming infected with avian influenza by eating poultry?
A) If you say your prayers before eating then nothing can harm you. Saying " This looks fucking tasty" doesnot count under prayers.

Q) We have a small flock of chickens. Is it safe to keep them?
A) No. Eat them asap.

Q) What precautions can be taken to reduce the risk for infection from wild birds in the United States?
A) Dont go to United States. Divided States, on the other hand, has been known to be safe.

Q) What precautions can hunters take to reduce the risk for infection when hunting birds in Jodhpur?
A) For this you should probably contact Mr. Salman Khan.

Q) One last question. Does this answer the age old question " Who came first the chicken or the egg"?
A) It does.

P.S : For all those who would really want to know about bird flu Please Click here. And Sameera stop speaking to birdies.

WEIRD!

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Mon, 13 Feb 2006 19:03:00 +0000

Gokul, being the good friend that he is, has tagged me.

In this tag you have to write down five weird things about yourself.

A picture says a thousand words. True!

I could have ended the post there only but I feel like writing some more stuff..

1) I drink milk daily using straws, that too two of them if there is only one then I dont drink and the glass should have a spoon in it.

2)I have really weird friends :P

3)I had really loong hair n in them had white extensions. Do you think I am weird?

4) I experience a feeling of deja vu quite often.

5)I am weird in bed I mean while in deep sleep... What were u guys thinking?...Anyways I hardly get any dreams and there is this one recurring dream that I get I think I will share it with you fellas...
I loose my teeth one after the other and am worried like crazyand am almost in tears and my whole mouth is bleeding and thats when I get up but recently, couple of days back, I had the same dream but this time instead of being worried I tell to myself no problems I will get a denture!!! I find it really weird man.

I could go on but I dont want to break the rules.

So the five people that I tag are*opens the envelope slowly while the audience sits in pin drop silence*

a) Ravi...Dude you havent completed me last tag till now.

b) Atlantean....even you have to do the last tag.

c) Jaya...BLOG.

d) Osama...Where are you man? Havent seen you around.

e) Mallika Sherawat...Babes you are weird so you wont have any problem.(See the smart use of her name to increase some traffic on my blog)

I have decided to blog every week from now onwards so people keep coming back!!!

P.S : Please do mention the things that you find are weird about me in the comments section.

N.i.P II

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Thu, 26 Jan 2006 10:56:00 +0000

From the makers of N.i.P comes another blogbust er
After the huge success of(which our sources say have been hyped by the blogger himself) N.i.P the blogger is so confident that he is not even spending a single penny on publicity( a.k.a public city by few).

Ravi says I can play with words...
I can play with words
can I play with words
play words with can I
I words can with play
I think Ravi was correct I indeed can play with words lets hope that I make it to the olympics and win gold for India and then you can see me in every second advertisement. I will be endorsing everything from a pin to a piano. Then I will say something about premarital sex and end up being Booed in my own country for whom I won laurels. Then I will shift to USA and be praised for telling the truth about premarital sex.

Alright people now I am going to educate you all on a lesser known fact about Tooth fairy.
Although most of you are familiar with Tooth Fairy no one talks about her evil sister Bhoot
fairy so I also wont talk about it :P This brings up a question why did I even mention it
then so Let me remind u all this is my blog.

Something I found interesting Mallika! I told you
people one day you get tired of everything even the things that brought you money and fame.Mallika getting tired of her boobs is like Dhoni getting tired of hitting Sixers or
Politicians getting tired of changing parties and making dumb statements.

Becuase DD couldnot get the rights for the India-Pak Series the DD has offered to start a new
show for Charu Sharma. Like in Fourth Umpire, Charu will be given an oppurtunity to ask
stupid questions.
Charu : (After Sehwag makes a century) Do you think that Sehwag played well.
Expert(Who represented India in U-13 girls Cricket Wold cup) : Jii bilkil Charu Ji*Making a
face as if she is explaining a really difficult point*.

I heard Kris Srikanth too will be given a chance to host a new show where he will teach how
to speak hindi in a tamilian accent.

As the days go by my posts are becoming shorter I think they r following Sania's way.

All those people who comment will get free return tickets for Mars ( pehle you go then we
will see about bringing you back heahaeha).

Nothing in Particular(N.i.P)

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Wed, 04 Jan 2006 08:06:00 +0000

Happy New Year reader(s)!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to Gokul now I know that I blog about nothing. Before he told me I was just blogging about nothing, now I am blogging about NOTHING. Man, is it difficult to blog about nothing. When I started to blog I wanted to enlighten my readers. Looking back now, I see a chair...who kept it there??? should call Byomkesh Bakshi. On a more serious note I think I should call the Scotland Yard. I have used the word "I" 10 times in this paragraph. An useless fact and a sure sign that 2006 is going to be the best year among the years that I have lived.

Why 2006 is going to be the best year for me.

For starters I am jobless and and I know it cant get any worse.
Neha Dhupia, Mallika Sherawat, Tanisha, Negar Khan have a lot of releases lined up this year.
SRK is going to die.
There wont be an election this year.
No world cup either this year so we know India wont lose it.
Ganguly is going to retire.
Because I want it to be.

Well the blogosphere is filled with great ppl. Let me take the pleasure of introducing them. I will start with Sameera. She introduced me to blogging :D(I think it would have been better if she wud have introduced me to some hot friend of hers but this will also do). She is very proud of being a scorpy and in her blog you can find a million scorpys. Why is she proud of being a scopry I asked her once andl she replied "Because I dont have anything else to be proud of".

Ravi does a lot of serious writing. Some of which, I should confess, goes above my head. And he also told me once "dude I myself dont understand what I am blogging"

Jaya..she does a guest appearance on her blog. She has so many things to blog about that she cant choose only..poor gal. I am not sure whether I can call her a blogger also but since the posts she has posted are good I will call her a mini-blogger.

Chaitanya wow this dude's blog is so informative but do we really need so much info. Do we really want to know how to save water.

Gokul his blog is kinda similar to me. But he cant match me. Not even in his dreams. Half of the comments in the comments section are his.

Vinod...I call him God of Blogging. Although I dont know him personally a little birdy told me that he takes classes for being so funny.

Ambatigan:first when I heard of ambatigan I checked the dictionary to see what it meant cos people nowdays come up with names like this and epinician. It took me a while to realise ambatigan stood for ambati Gangadhar...wow he made it so cool!! his blog is something else..what endears me to him is the fact that he is from apun ka hyd and not because he chose to blog about 50000 colours of saree..ie localite and hes very famous..his blogroll has sooo many people..its easy to see why Ganga is soo popular...his blog is sooo pure and different from the rest...check the clocks out in his.

P.S : Thank you Sameera for the inputs.

Bloggers Block

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Mon, 26 Dec 2005 07:08:00 +0000

The topic couldnt be more appropriate for this post. I hope none of my blogger friends suffer from it...Touchwood. It is worse than any AIDS and Cancer(not the zodiac sign mind you).

I think we as responsible bloggers of this blogosphere should spread the word. You know something like the ad "Balbir Pasha has AIDS". After thinking a lot I came up with this caption "Aftab has Bloggers' Block". Note the simplicity and the originality of the caption.

Please take a few minutes from the busy schedule of yours and find whether you are also suffering from bloggers block

You dont remember the last time you have blogged.
You dont remember your URL.
The last 10 people who have visited your blog have asked you to blog.
You feel there is something missing in your life.
Whenever you start to blog you end up writing only one line.
You havent bitched or made fun of someone in recent past.
You scout lesser known blogs for "Inspiration".
Whenever you read a good post you become jealous.
You have seen the dumbest movie and still cant write anything about it.

Well, if you nodded your head in affirmation for most of the points mentioned above then you also have Bloggers Block!!!! May God help you. If I were a Hindi movie script writer I would have said "Mere blogs bhi tumhein lagjaye".

Now let us see how you can cure this deadly disease

Go and watch a really stupid movie.
Watch any serial starting with the alphabet "K".
Blog about your ex-gf/bf.
Tag yourself if you havent already been tagged.

If you follow the above steps you are sure to recover and write blogs :D

Since I have already written my Tag blog the point no: 4 is ruled out in my case and also never was in a dating relationship with anyone point no: 3 is also not the way to cure me. I had to choose between 1 & 2 and to be frank I didnt had the heart to watch serials I wentand watched a movie.

Now you people must be wondering how do we recognize whether a movie is dumb or not? Well people its quite simple. Pick a Hindi movie, most of the Hindi movies will be dumb.Now choose a movie whose title is in Hindi and its sub title is in English you know like Dosti- Friends Forever. After doing the above two steps you are guaranteed to have a dumb movie. I guess by now you all must have figured it out that I watched Dosti.

Dosti is by far the dumbest movie I have seen this year(I am so happy). So I will just tell you the story in brief(the same way I answer my questions in exams). Bobby and Akshay are best friends and are gay. They want to get married but since Indian Law doesnot allow gay marriages they move to U.K on the pretext that Akshay has blood cancer. But there also they are not allowed to get married for reasons better known to Queen Elizabeth. So they come back to India. After coming back Bobby becomes straight and gets married to Lara Dutta. Unable to bear this shock Akshay dies of heart attack. The End. Please note that the story of the actual movie might be different from what I have told.

I wonder when will the Hollywood people pick up the trend of having a sub title in hindi, like we have in english. If we had to name some English movies I think they would have named it like this :

GodFather-Bhagwan ka baap.

Topgun- uppar ki bandhook.

Lord of the rings-Angootheyon ka raja.

Matrix- Matrix (I dont think there is a Hindi word for Matrix).

Silence of the Lambs-bakro ki khamooshi.

Tagged

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Mon, 05 Dec 2005 12:23:00 +0000

I have been tagged by Sameera. Tagging, wonder who started it but am sure all the bloggers love it because it gives us, bloggers, to write something. You know its strange you only have to write seven things only seven neither eight nor six I have even heard that if you write nine things then its a sin.

I did a little research as to why seven is so important and here are the results

7 (seven) is the natural number following 6 and preceding 8. Never knew that.
Seven is the first Newman-Shanks-Williams prime. OMG!! that sounds important.
Seven is the second safe prime.(Was there any unsafe prime I thought there was only unsafe sex)
Seven is also a self number.Oh thats nice I believe something like a self made man.
A highly symbolic number in the Hebrew Bible, being, for example, the day on which God rested in Genesis.
The number of heavens in Islamic tradition.
The number of the Deadly Sins: lust, avarice, envy, pride, sloth, gluttony and wrath.

I will end here before I start writing a thesis on seven.

Seven Things I want to do in my life:

1) Get a Job.

2) Be content.

3) Do charity.

4) Become more religious.

5) Buy all kinds of cars and bikes.

6) Own a palace.

7) Get married :-)

Seven things I can do:
I just realized I cant do much but for the sake of filling up the space here I go

1) Be calm even in the most difficult times. "Equanimity" is the word.

2) Ride a bike really fast and rash too.

3) I can breathe.

4) I can live without music.

5) Remember numbers.

6) Can be a loner

7) I can fight.

Seven things I say the most:

1) hmmm

2) kya?

3) u know

4) abah

5) @#$@

6) kaiku

7) kathe

Seven things I cant do:
Well, I cant do a million things but since we are supposed to tell only seven

1) I cant drive a car.

2) I cant be nice all the time.

3) I cant sing. Believe me I cant.

4) I cant dance. Oh you have to see me...

5) I cant cook. Not even tea.

6) I cannot be grammatically correct.

7) I cant type sms fast enough.

Seven Things that attract me to the opposite sex:

1) Cuteness.

2) Long hair.

3) Intelligence.

4) Eyes. As they say " Its all in the eyes"

5) Nice smell.

6) Vital stats.

7) Sense of humour.

Seven Celebrity Crushes:

1) Alicia Sylverstone.

2) Sush.

3) Julia Roberts.

4) Keerti Reddy

5) Demi Moore.

6) Brooke Shields.

7) Carmen Electra.

Seven people I tag :
I dont even know seven people who blog.

1) Raptor.

2) Atlantean

3) Jaya. I am tagging you although I know you have been tagged already.

4) Sameera am tagging you back .....dont know whether we can do that or not but it sounds cool.

5) Michael Schumacher.

6) Bill Gates.

7) Osama Bin Laden( I had to complete the list).

Well, there it is I am done.

A Typical Day

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Thu, 01 Dec 2005 13:50:00 +0000

Food.

Water.

I have nothing to blog about. Damnit I cant even rhyme.

These days there is not much happening in my life that is bloggable. And now that I have people who actually want me to blog I felt that it was my duty to blog.

You know they are times that you hope your day was like this way or mebbe that shouldnt have happen well I am gonna tell you how I want my day to be.

11:45 AM
I get up oh I can feel something on my bed oh its Alicia Sylverstone, she is still asleep (I dunno why but let her sleep).

11:46 AM
Feel the urge to pee. So I go to the bathroom and I pee.

11:47 AM
Alicia gets up and says " Darling, you were great last night"..."How come you play so good Basketball "
Me blushes and says " Oh you see sweetheart ....blah blah..Michael Jordan......blah blah...together...blah blah..that was nothing".

11:49 AM
Alicia and me get ready to go out for brunch.

11:49:30 AM
I start my Ferrari and go to The Beverly Hills Hotel
BTW I live in Beverly Hills,California.

2:00 PM
Still at the hotel my best friend Brad Pitt calls an asks me to come over to his place for a game of squash.

4:00 PM
At Pitt's place while am waiting for him to change Angelina Jolie tries to get fresh with me I ask her to control her feelings (This line sounds familiar).

5:00 PM
I win, and leave for my home. I can hear Jolie bhabhi sobbing because am leaving.

6:00 PM
Took a small nap. I dreamt about a Bullock cart.

7:30 PM
Alicia wakes me up and reminds me that we have to go to White House for dinner.

8:00 PM
I board my private jet. I fly very close to really tall buildings, scares the hell out of the security people.

11:00 PM

Leave for Newyork. I was really impressed by the country's President.

Midnight
Our plane lands at Newyork. We go to the best pub in town.

3 AM
Came back home and I closed the door of the bedroom. Now this is personal stuff I wont share it with you people.

5 AM
Sleep.

Well thats how I want my typical day to be.

Tomorrow is the First Test match between India and Srilanka and the Met dept says "Mixed clouds and sun with scattered thunderstorms. High 81F. Winds NNE at 5 to 10 mph. Chance of rain 60%.".

Expect a sunny day tomorrow, couldnt be a better day to play cricket.

Take care people.

Indo-Chini Bhai Bhai

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Sun, 13 Nov 2005 19:42:00 +0000

Super Power in the Making!!!!!!!!

In a recent study conducted by the Chinese people they say that the next Super Power will be India. I know exactly how you people feel. I think the Chinese have lost it.
I think its a conspiracy against India. This way Indians will start worrying and stop making what they make the best and they wont be able to overtake China. For those who didnot get the previous line, I was talking about population. I love these studies and surveys, they give us bloggers so much to write about.

Apparently the Chinese brothers are very bothered by the rise in India population. They say they are the number 1's and no one can steal this from them.

In the year 1962 when China attacked India it was because they wanted to reduce our population but owing to international pressure, mostly form Azerbaijan, they backed out. Yes that is a name of a country. During this time only the popular words were uttered by I dont know who but I do remember the words " Indo- Chini Bhai bhai". But the sad thing is that the Chinese people did not understand Hindi and they translated it to "Indians say Chinese kiss their ass". This didnt help cause and they attacked India again.

This confusion isnt possible in these times because I hear Chinese love Indian films and to be precise the Tamil films starring Rajnikant. They dont believe their eyes when they see Rajnikant doing all the stunts that they can only imagine in their wildest dreams. They have even confessed that the movie The Hidden dragon and The Crouching Tiger was inspired by the superstar's stunts from various movies.

Staying on the part of translation. When GE, a huge company, sold its stakes it was named GECIS, a not so huge company. But after 6 months the GECIS owners realized that GECIS in Hungary, no the people of Hungary are not hungry, means Kiss my ass. I am not kidding its true.

India will become a Super Power only if one of the following things happen

All the countries are wiped out.
Some other country chooses to name itself India.
No Indians are left in India.

I did a little research myself and found that the word blog comes from the words web log. How did web log became blog is a question that puzzles me. Should ask this question to Granny. I am also worried that no one is asking any questions there. Now suddenly no one has any problems. Sigh!

The Chinese and Japanese have achieved so much with only such small eyes and noses that I was wondering what would have happened if they had little bigger eyes and noses.

P.S : I have decided to write smaller posts so that I can have more posts and hopefully more comments. And also I dont want people questioning my patriotism am as much Indian as Gandhi was.

Jai Hind.

To B(log) or not to B(log)

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Tue, 25 Oct 2005 07:09:00 +0000

Well thats a question that has been in my mind for quite a few days now because of the lack of response. And Sameera, a good friend of mine, has written a blog to find out how will my hit rate increase. Though I am very skeptical about this experiment I thought why not try.....after all there is no harm.

Well I was going to end it with that paragraph only but then I thought what kind of a blogger am I who writes just 4 lines and posts it.

So now that I have written 6 lines I will end it here.

Its a MIRACLE

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Sat, 22 Oct 2005 16:09:00 +0000

It truly is a miracle. It sure is.

I am going to write about how our lovely country functions and in the process I will prove
that its a miracle.

Welcome to the worlds largest Democracy. In a true sense it is actually anything but
democracy. It can be called the biggest mockery of democracy. If you love action you have
to come to India during elections.If you thought Martin Scorsese, John Woo and George Lucas
were the best action directors then you got it so wrong guys. I dont want to name
anyone(Better way of saying I am afraid those people can hurt me). When there is an
election the probability of riot breaking out is 100%. The probability that it is between 2
groups who follow different religion is 100%. And the probability that the police wont do
anything is also..yeah you people guessed it right....200%. I mean if these people love to
fight so much then send them to the borders na.

Before the actual voting gets underway the politicians do a thing in which they spend
billions of money - Campaigning. The amount of money collected if spent and used for the
development of India can see India becoming the next super power( I have an even better
idea they should give it to me). They conduct these rallies in which you find the same
people who were present the earlier day for the rivals rally.

The situation is so bad that the High Courts of Andhra Pradesh and Bihar have gone on
record and said that "The state is not safe for its citizens". Its again one of those
you-neednt-tell things.

If you havent already believed that it is only a miracle that our country hasnt perished at
the hands of our leaders then just read the next lines.

Quiet a few of our MLA's file their nomination papers(something like our examination fees) from jails.
There is this particular MLA who was once a DON and wanted by the police. Now the same police is protecting him(Irony).
Apparently an MLA has an arrest warrant pending against him but he couldn't be arrested till date but he still comes on the news and gives god-knows-what-it-means-statement.

We have what we call the 5 year plans. The problem with the 5 year plans is that it usually
takes more than 5 years. And the next being that by that time the population will double
and it is of no freaking use.

A recent survey conducted(some people have all the time and money to conduct surveys) by
someone ranks India as the 86th most corrupted nation and my sources tell me that actually
India was # 1 but they paid some amount to this company to make it 86.

So I think I have proved my point.

As I end the post I want to quote a quote from Godfather( is this even correct who cares..)

Me: don't tell me everything is legal in our country because that Insults my intelligence.*

*The quote has been changed to suit the topic of the blog.

Ants in the Pants

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Fri, 21 Oct 2005 17:30:00 +0000

I actually dont have anything to write but since I have strong urge to write I will write. I wont be doing what an author had done. He had wrote a book What is Love? and after 300 pages he says no one can define what is love. As if that wasnt enough after that he published one more book What is Success? and again after 300 - odd pages he says we cant define what is success.I mean is he mad or what. I would like to know about his future projects.

As I was typing I noticed a few ants in my keyboard!!!! I didnt use the computer for one whole day because I was down with fever and the next thing I know the ants have taken over my pc.

So its official the ants have also become tech savvy. Not only that, I found them in my modem also, so they are net savvy also. So next time be careful when you are chatting to a stranger IT CAN BE AN ANT!!!! I actually wanted to take their pic but with the latest developments in the blogging world I was discouraged to do so. For the first time I am happy that I dont have a job and 175 Crore Rupees. And who do you sue, Innocent bloggers for exercising their basic constitutional right. I think they also were doing this in a humorous manner(175 crores @!@#@!).

Back to ants. I actually thanked God when I found ants in my computer. The first one being, they gave me the reason to blog. And the second being, its a million times better to find ants in the comp than finding them in my pants. So from now onwards I have decided not to have my food while chatting on the net(Atleast I will try).

Ouchh!!!! An ant bit my finger I guess its their sleeping time. So people since I have fever I will leave you with the lyrics of one of my all time favs Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb.

Hello?

Is there anybody in there?

Just nod if you can hear me.

Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.

I hear you're feeling down.

Well I can ease your pain,

Get you on your feet again.

Relax.

I need some information first.

Just the basic facts,

Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.

A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.

You are only coming through in waves.

Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.

When I was a child I had a fever.

My hands felt just like two balloons.

Now I got that feeling once again.

I can't explain, you would not understand.

This is not how I am.

I have become comfortably numb.

Ok.

Just a little pinprick.

There'll be no more ...Aaaaaahhhhh!

But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up?

I do believe it's working.

Good.

That'll keep you going for the show.

Come on it's time to go.

Made in India

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Sun, 09 Oct 2005 08:12:00 +0000

Hey its weekend and am back not with a bang though because it is against law to make noise and you know we Indians how religiously we follow the rules. However, you can approach the Supreme court and they will give a 2 hour relaxation. A lot of my friends have been telling me to write about our college and me being a true friend have decided not to write till they stop telling me HEHAHE...I am so Bad....

So you might ask what I am going to write about I say just scroll down and you will know. Oh am I being cruel...I dont care go to hell...Oh you are not going to read my blog.....(on my knees) I apologise I was just trying to have some fun and moreover I dont have a topic.

After cogitating(I also attended GRE classes) for 1 minute a topic finally came in my mind, actually it has always been in my mind, heart and soul. No not money!!! Its India.

India derives its name from the river Indus that used to flow at the time of creation of our country but now as all rivers it has also gone dry and dirty. Though the government is trying very hard to see to it that the Indus does not dry up it is as though it is inevitable. A source said that the government was trying so hard because if the Indus dries up they will have to change the name of our country. And with the manner our country is running the two names that keep coming up during meetings are Indiano and Left India. That much for the name.

If you ask an American "What is the first thing that comes to your mind when I say India"
he will probably say 2 things. One is Kamasutra and the second is Deepak Chopra(in way that Deepak Chopra also cannot make out whether they are calling is his name or a Japanese film).
Now thats what India is famous for. A few years earlier it was also famous for Taj Mahal. The sign of love. I say what sign of love the guy was so happy to see his wife dead that he build her a marble tomb so that she couldnt possibly come back. But that is also losing the popularity because it is also getting dusky as our new heroines. I dont understand this you like dusky females and not dusky Taj Mahal!!! you people are biased.

When we are talking about India how can we not talk about Hindi Movies. Bollywood is a place where you get to see really long senseless movies. A few movies are good though but dont expect these movies to run in theatres for long. Because as per the Film running Rule 9211 C it is against the law to run good movies for more than a week. Anyone who violates this will be shown 4 back to back shows of Chiranjevi (They(tamilians) could possibly kill me for writing this). With the latest cellphone technology everyone is turning to be a director. We just need to buy a camera and then look for an unsuspecting victim and the final step share it with your friends one of which will put it on the net and you become famous.

Politicians...how can I write about India without mentioning them. The minimum qualification for a person to be a politician in India are as follows

Thou shall have atlleast murdered 20.
Thou shall have atleast 50 attempt to murder cases.
Thou shall have raped 10.
Thou shall have flunked 5 the standard.
Thou shall be flexible to work with different parties.
Thou shall make statements that make no real sense.
Thou shall atleast have one scam to your name.
Thou shall use thy religion to get votes.
Thou shall visit foreign on official business.

And thats how we get our politicians.The last point reminds me of the ex-commissioner of police of Hyderabad. Apparently, he had gone to all the pubs in Goa and learned how they functioned (????) and yes it was an official trip all expenses paid by the few people who pay taxes.

Every country has its pros and cons. But India is not a coin with 2 sides. I would like to say India is a sphere. A sphere on which it is written in bold "LOVE" (see am an Indian so I have to write something good about it). Indians are the most lovable people. If you dont agree with me just take a look at our population. Indians work their ass off if they are not in India. People call you mad if you work that much in India.

The culture of India is one of the oldest cultures in the world. In modern India, there is remarkable cultural diversity throughout the country. The South, North, and Northeast have their own distinct cultures and almost every state has carved out its own cultural niche. In spite of the diversity, it's bound by a common a thread as one civilisation perhaps because of its common history and transfer of age old knowledge in the geographies.
Chi I cant lie to you people .....I copied the above paragraph from Wikipedia because I was unable to write anything about the culture

Now it wont be possible for me to write everything about India in a single blog so expect one more blog about India in the near future(2020).

If you have it, HOLD it

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Sat, 01 Oct 2005 07:37:00 +0000

Ya that seems to be the motto of my java classmates. Before your minds wander let me be clear, am talking about cellphones.

Everyone who has a cell holds it in their hand for no apparent reason. They press the button when the light fades away and keep doing that until the cell switches off due to low battery. I think the phone must have also been tired by now. People are so dumb. Its like when they had gone to buy, the shop owner threatened them " If you dont hold them at all times I ll kill you". I dont want to make fun of people but they dont give me a choice. How do I let go off of such a good topic?.

A week ago I was watching the news and they were talking about an IIT-IIM review report that was conducted by these people. It was done to point out the reasons through which India could improve. One of the points that caught my eye was "Politicians should not hold key positions"....I laughed my ass off. We dont need the two biggest schools of India telling us that. Go and ask any illiterate person he will also tell the same. Infact, I think politicians should not hold any position whatsoever. People are dumb. And this person who was one of the members of that board was saying it so enthusiastically like he had just solved a complex problem of molecular physics ( you might ask why the reference to molecular physics well people it seems its my blog so I ll write whatever I WANT). I will say it applies to the world. Planet Earth would be a better place if we could get rid of all the politicians.

Since we are talking about politicians how can I not mention the worlds most powerful politician
Mr. Bush .

U.S. President George W. Bush writes a note to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a Security Council meeting at the 2005 World Summit and 60th General Assembly of the United Nations in New York September 14, 2005. World leaders are exploring ways to revitalize the United Nations at a summit on Wednesday and guess whats on the Presidents mind hehe. Well if you go to go you go to go. So now we know we are not much different from the most powerful person except that we dont need to ask the Secretary of State before we have to take a leak.

I was going to publish this post but before that I read Sameera's blog and she had these links which she had got it from Swathi's blog I dont know from where Swathi got them because I dont even know Swathi. So thats besides the point that I am going to make. These links lead you to a page where they show a picture and then they CLAIM to tell what kind of person you are or how much of a boy or a girl you are ...I again laughed my ass off. On the basis of what picture you select you become a boy or a girl. Some of them ask you a set of irrelevant questions and then tell you what your hidden talent is. I dont need to select a picture in order to know whether I am a boy or a girl I just know where to look. World would have been a better place if we could judge a person on the basis of which picture he selects. You know justice would have been served faster, the judge would just ask the accused to select a picture and then give the verdict guilty or innocent.

A small test created by me which will tell you as to which country you belong to..

1Q) Do you like tea or coffee?
2Q) Do you think there is life on Mars?
3Q) Do you think I should ask these questions?

After you answer them no matter what your answers are, you are an Indian because I dont expect foreigners to read my blog.

Well, it seems, I have deviated from the topic. People are mad so am I. Period.

Hell O People

noreply@blogger.com (Gulam Hasan) — Sun, 25 Sep 2005 12:55:00 +0000

A lot of people(one...My conscience) have been complaining as to why I havent been writing
anything so here I am to satisfy you all. The main reason I couldnt write anything was I
couldnt find anyone or anything to ridicule. And also the movies that I have seen arent that
bad. These days the bollywood(I heard they dont like to be called Bollywood so keeping in mind lets make a conscious effort of not calling them BOLLYWOOD). is making different films ...different but bad but there is an improvement. I dont think this trend will continue because The Indian audience demands for different movies but when the industry makes them they dont go and watch. I played cricket today.

Ha one of my favourite pass time. Every one of has played it( Atleast the people I know). Galli cricket were the rules are as complicated as rocket science. Galli cricket were you fight for every over bowled. Galli cricket were u get out if you hit a car, anyone of the predetermined wall, hit the ball out of the ground, playing area which is usually smaller than one room, anyone crossing the road or for that matter if you break any of the window panes of the neighbouring houses. I played it yesterday and just for the record my team won.

So if you havent played it go and play right now. Some tips before you start

If you cant play a particular short then make it a rule that if anyone who plays that shot is out.
If cant stand pace bowling then make it a rule that no one bowls fast.
If you are the umpire you should be partisan towards your team.
Never admit that you got out.
Fight with the one who says you are out.
Always use your bat to play, so that if you get out you can say " I dont wanna play with you cheats" and walk away, they will give you one more chance.
And last but not the least, if someone asks you who won always so that your team won.

As far as my Java classes they are going fine. I would like to share with you people a conversation between 2 gals that were standing behind me while we were waiting for the class to start

gal 1 : Where is xyz?
gal 2: She went to wrote the exam?
Me : Unconscious

My sir has tremendous knowledge in java but when it comes to communication skills he is a
big zero thats why I guess he is not working in a company. I wonder what would have had happened if he were working.

Team leader to my sir: Modify this code to suit the clients requests.
My sir after 1 month : (Holding a blazer on which code was written)There go sir I write a
code to suit the client. It was though, Sir, the tailor couldnt understand what I was doinga.

Some quotes by my sir:

We will learn about this soon at the end of the course(its a 3 months course n we r still
in the 4th week).
If u practice you can do with great easy.

Take care,
Gulam Hasan aka Aftab.